holding patterns
“we’re in a holding pattern right now.”
my mom said this so many times while my sister was in labor. in some ways, i think it became her own sense of comfort. if you haven’t witnessed labor before, there’s not a lot you can do for the person experiencing it. i alternated between feeding my sister ice chips, squeezing her hand, and idly watching as the nurses, my aunt, and her best friend attempted to adjust her in the hospital bed. in so many ways, i felt helpless and awkward eating my white cheddar cheez-its in the corner. i thought about how much easier it would’ve been if i could’ve taken a fraction of that pain away from her. but i couldn’t. we were locked inside that holding pattern.
thankfully, my sister and her beautiful son were divinely protected. my sister is very strong, and my nephew came out incredibly healthy. they’re both doing well, and i am so honored i was part of that experience. being in a state of waiting at the hospital with seemingly little to no progress at times made me think about the periods in my life when this has happened, specifically recently.
i’ve talked in depth about rejection here before, so it might feel like i’ve been entirely transparent about that process. what i realize now is that getting rejected feels differently depending on where you’re at in life. i believed for a long time that if i could get on top of that stinging embarrassment, it wouldn’t hurt. unfortunately, that’s just not true. (it should be noted i am a gemini moon- which means i’m effective at discussing my feelings, less so at actually allowing myself to feel them, which seems applicable here.)
for context, i just turned twenty seven, and with every birthday pairs with a sense of time passing. i’ve spoken openly about being at a crossroads- this year i’m actively working on grad school applications, as my goal is to pursue an mfa in creative writing. i’ve met with my mentors over the past few months, which brought up a lot of nostalgia and heaviness surrounding my college career. (it is beyond embarrassing to revisit a critical essay i wrote when i was twenty! but it must be done!) i graduated in 2019 and this may it’ll be five years since i was slinging a backpack around. i had bangs, invested in some toxic relationships, and didn’t like myself. when i graduated, i was craving stability. so i didn’t go for an mfa. to be clear, i still stand by that decision.
but, that means my path looks different than i thought it would when i was twenty two. and i’m glad it does. i got married, committed to therapy, worked some shitty jobs until i landed one that provides a real work life balance, and developed friendships i cherish. i wouldn’t go back and give any of that up- but there is an insecurity there. i have not been in school for a long time, so the person motivating me is, well, me. and i can be unreliable some days. i don’t write every day, and i recently have felt myself on the precipice of new work. the things i used to write about and consider my ‘jam’ do not call to me in the same way. for a few months, that really scared me, and when i received back to back rejections two weeks ago, it felt like some sort of cosmic sign. the shame was crippling, especially since one of the ‘no’s came from a literary magazine associated with one of the schools i am applying to.
here’s the thing, though. that was a few weeks ago, and i already feel completely differently about it. this might be in part due to a recent acceptance of my work (!! more on that soon) but i also think it’s perspective. emotions change so quickly, despite feeling so drawn out and catastrophic in the moment. all you can do is feel them. hence, the holding pattern. when you’re in one, you’re there. its ominous, weird, and slow. if you’re like me, you cry a lot when you’re here. you question things. you feel like there’s no new pathway, but then one shows up.
all that to say, i think i understand clearly now that in between the excitement and forward movement is a lot of waiting and stagnancy. i’ve decided that what i do when i’m there is up to me, though. i can’t change the feeling, but i can improve the moment. (shoutout to those dbt skills) and here is a short list of ways i do that lately:
play a video game. not many people know this about me, but i enjoy them! i was really into skyrim on the switch for awhile, but i’m back playing nancy drew games on my pc. there’s a big sense of nostalgia in those games and i find them as comforting as i do stimulating- the puzzles require a lot of thinking, so i feel like i’m doing something for my brain.
lifting. i used to do this a lot and got out of it for complicated reasons but i really enjoy it.
journaling. there’s no pressure here to craft a poem and it helps get out a lot of zig zagging thoughts.
spend time with loved ones. just being with people i care about always makes me feel good, regardless of the activity.
do a craft.
go on a walk.
as people and writers, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be doing something to constantly improve ourselves or reach our goals. in reality, i think we actually get to our goals by taking breaks and filling our cups up. and then one day, inspiration comes back, and without realizing it, the holding pattern lets up. a new life is born. everything feels different.
much love,
scm