my last therapy session was hazy. i spent a lot of it painting and affixing beads to canvas - because lately, the art form that speaks to me the most is drawing. i’m not GOOD at it, but that’s not why i do it anyway. it allows me to focus without zoning out, but keeps me tethered in storms.
but what i do remember is a skill that i’ve been thinking about ever since my therapist brought it up that day. in DBT, there’s a phrase called “riding the wave.” we use it colloquially, but it’s also a skillset. so, say you’re in a really negative headspace and you have the urge to cope in a way that doesn’t serve you- like self injury, or binge eating. riding the wave would be, okay, what if i try something else, and see if i still want to engage in that behavior 5 minutes from now? how about 10? what about 15? until you either don’t feel compelled to do that thing, or you just forget about it- and cope another way that helps you feel better and get out of that space.
march has been a tough month. really, the start of 2023 has been filled with a lot of peaks and valleys that feel frustrating. instead of riding the wave, i’ve mostly felt like i’m caught underneath of it, sucking in seawater and trying to touch the sand. but lately, i’ve been blessed with some clarity that stings and also feels like cleaning an infected wound.
i once went on a date with a girl. it was a few years back, and we were on a hike in the dead of summer. it didn’t pan out after that, but i thought a lot about our conversations and something she said: we all have these things we identify ourselves by when we’re meeting someone new, the story we tell over and over that we’re comfortable with sharing. because it becomes more like a song you know the lyrics to rather than the truth, or the whole truth, that is. and for months, my poetry has stagnated. until i started my 5 week poetry workshop with brooklyn poets on ‘trauma & recovery’, led by marina weiss. i’ve met some of the most wonderful people in this group, and it’s been an incredibly generative experience. mostly because i realized i’ve only been comfortable writing about the same story i always tell. it is so much safer to dig into the familiar pain we have unpacked, repacked, and fleshed out again and again. but it is far harder to navigate what has been buried. pulling that out of the soil and putting it on the table is vulnerable. it doesn’t always feel good, and you worry you may have overshared. but in that space, i’ve started to reconnect with parts of myself i’ve tried to keep hidden. and while that is uncomfortable, it feels like i am breathing easier. accepting, processing, finding ways to sit in it and then eventually work on it.
sharing your work with people who see you is a gift. having your work critiqued is a gift. taking the step to articulate what you have been unable to is a gift. for me: being honest about my family dynamics and struggles with binge eating feels like one of the bravest things i’ve ever done. it’s no longer under the bed. it’s out in the room, in the daylight. and i think this is what it means to ride the wave- to come up from underneath the water and coast on its crest instead of fighting the current. i encourage you to think about what that looks like for you, too.
updates:
+ "come sail away" an anthology by fifth wheel press is LIVE! two of my poems “vacation” and “yearning in aquamarine” are published here. check em’ out and the work of all other lovely poets who contributed! fifth wheel press is wonderful and i’m very proud and excited to be part of the publication.
+ i’ve been a little lax on publishing poems via instagram and utilizing substack, but plan to pick up with posting very soon, it’s been a busy/rough period!
what i’m reading:
+ “couplets” by maggie millner. very queer, sensual, steamy, and a love story. this was suggested by the wonderful poet who leads my trauma&recovery poetry workshop!
+ “carrie soto is back” by taylor jenkins reid. i love TJR and i’m feeling big sad after finishing daisy jones and the six on prime video. i read the book a few years back and loved it. i also recommend the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, too!
what i’m watching:
+ season 3 of succession
+ old re-runs of “i survived” if you didn’t know, i’m a big true crime fan…sorry.
i hope your week blossoms and rises to meet you where you are. <3
xo,
dani