psychology today defines “self validation” as “the act of accepting our own internal experience, including our thoughts and feelings.” i learned this term recently in therapy. i currently do bi-weekly sessions of DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), which really helps me actively work through my BPD symptoms. you can read more about my experiences with BPD in this post, if you’re interested.
i recently went through a painful friend breakup that involved a lot of gaslighting. i was upset about something that others also witnessed happen. because expressing previous upset was negatively received and actively shut down by this friend before, i attempted to find another way to approach my friend about my feelings- wherein my partner stepped in to reach out to this friend first. it didn’t go well, and resulted in a very long conversation that i was NOT ready to have with my partner, my friend and her partner. i was placed in a position of having to apologize for my feelings the entire conversation, chastised for my mental health issues that i had shared with the understanding that these were friends i could trust. i’m usually the person who over-apologizes as a trauma response, and gives a lot of ground to others. in healthy relationships, that results in meeting in the middle. in relationships that are one-sided and narcissistic, those conversations become about how the person who hurt you feels. and you will never be heard by them, or the people who protect them. no matter how i approached the situation, i would’ve been ‘wrong.’
and i don’t need to internalize that anymore.
i’m someone who has a lot of childhood and adolescent experience with apologizing to try and smooth things over, or compartmentalizing my own feelings to prioritize others feelings first. i really struggle to validate myself. i often grab hold of the narratives other people spin and make theirs, rather than listening to my instinct or people who love me and bear witness to me, as i am. despite having multiple people who were there, in this specific instance, that validated my feelings and saw the facts of the situation, i still didn’t believe myself after the friendship ended. i blamed myself, replayed therapy language that was used against me over and over. i took on the projections of others, and i let myself believe, for weeks - that i should’ve not said anything at all. i’m still processing the way this event made me feel, as it was so recent, but i know now that i deserve a lot better than feeling that way. and just in case you doubt yourself on this front too, having mental illness does not mean that you’re always wrong about how you feel. and it’s never something people who love you should bring up as a way to prove a point and invalidate you.
that being said, my therapist and i have broken down and unpacked this situation through a series of mindfulness exercises and skills. something that she’s encouraged and has been the most helpful IS self validating through my art. i’m always nervous to share poetry that feels polarizing, but I think that talking about what hurts and what has happened to us is not a weakness. it’s not embarrassing, or shameful. sharing my work and receiving so many kind words and appreciation has motivated me to work through what has happened.
a great example of self validation and inspiration for me is kelsea ballerini’s '"Rolling Up The Welcome Mat" which I spoke a little bit about in my last post. she released this EP on valentine’s day, and it details her experience of getting divorced from her now ex-husband. an emotional exploration of the death of a relationship, i think this is a powerful archive of suffering and freedom. there are always two sides to every story, but just because someone tells you that yours is wrong, doesn’t mean that’s true. art allows us to explore our emotions and make them concrete, to put them into words or images, to speak. while it is sad chapters end, and people disappoint us, clarity is real and true. it matters.
i am an advocate for allowing yourself to express thoughts and feelings in mediums that feel safe to you. it doesn’t matter if other people agree or disagree. holding space for yourself, and believing in yourself is what matters.
all the love in the universe,
xo
strega clare